Mental health is invisible, we know this right? Yet so many of us are unable to communicate in a way that helps us feel at ease, especially when it comes to mental health and motherhood.
It’s the fear of others judging us, the mindset we have that others are doing better, or even the mindset and negative thoughts that make us feel ashamed of how we feel, even how bad we think we are coping with motherhood, that’s why today I want to share with you my story briefly, to help you understand that motherhood has no instructions, neither does mental health, and that, without a doubt, your best is good enough.
Starting with my positives and you all probably feel the same, that the moment you become a mum, and witness this tiny human being, there is a euphoria moment of wow, I created this mini me, this is mine and forever I will always have someone to love, and someone to love me unconditionally. That was my personal experience the day I gave birth. Its only when times arise that you cannot give that tiny human what they need, is when you can feel like you have crashed to the ground and everything you ever thought would be, now is not your reality, believing that you are a total failure.
It is those moments that every negative thought arises at the forefront of your mind, why is that? Why when in a negative state do, we plough ourselves with endless past comments and negative thoughts, allowing them to flourish our minds rapidly, forcing us to confirm our negative thoughts. Telling ourselves that our little ones deserve better, and we beat ourselves up, mentally drain ourselves, never realising the impact we are having on our own self-worth in the process.
This is because we have no one there to encourage us, support us, be brave in our times of struggle for us. We feel too worried maybe to tell others, fear of judgment. This was the case for me. I become so reliant on outside circumstances such as social media posts, quotes and videos to perk me up and give me that “I can do this” feeling.
I had my son when I was 21. I had a very disruptive upbringing and found myself homeless living in temporary accommodation. From hostels to B&B hotels for much of my son’s first few years of life. I felt like the worst mother and cried often, never ever imagining this was mine and my son’s life. I hid away, isolated myself, too scared to even tell people of my situation, I went total ghost. We had no fridge, we were poor. For instance, I used to leave the babies milk out on the doorstep at night in hopes it would be cold and fresh the next morning for him. We watched the same DVD on repeat for 8 months because we had no tv ariel. We had 1 net on the window and no furniture or even a settee to sit on. It was not quite the start that I had imagined for me and my little, tiny perfect human.
I often felt sick, sad, tired, and defeated. That punched feeling in your tummy, turning whilst you are looking at their beautiful eyelashes sound asleep, hiding away your pain until they are out like a light, that go to moment that you feel allowed to cry. Yet now in the years that come after and with much more to tell and how I got out of that situation, I would like to share what my son’s memories are of those times.
His memory of me putting a pair of rolled socks up his t-shirt at the back and he could not get them out, we laughed for ages. The time we put sprinkles on his sticky apple which ended up everywhere but the apple. The Thomas and the Tank Engine bedding that he loved cuddling up to each night. The bedtime stories that I read, often with tears in my eyes looking at the floor in our room which had pin hole marks in where I had to rip out previous carpet grippers as we had no money for carpet, and they were dangerous for his little feet.
You see, children are not mature enough and see-through different eyes. Children do not conform to their surroundings as we know when out with them and they feel like having a huge tantrum in the shopping centre. Children only need memories, love, and laughter. If you can bring that to the table for them as I did, the negative thoughts of failure will improve as you figure your situation out.
But I really want to convey a message with my brief story. That one thing I learnt, and it took me a long time. If you insert this into your life, I can assure you that you will get through it. No childcares and expensive toys, some have more fun with a carboard box. This is what I call love and self-love. Here are some examples why…
If you can show up each day and show love, your child will become secure in themselves, validated, feel appreciated, valued, and show care and compassion as you do to them. If you show self-care, your child will learn how to love themselves, in turn grow with confidence and courage. Everything you feel that you are failing a child with, cannot be bought. It is not what you give your child that matters when you leave this Earth, it is what you leave IN THEM that truly matters. If you can allow faith and time to guide you on the path you are meant to be on, and internalise that it will all be ok, and in the meantime show love and self-love in your household, I promise that the most important values any parent wants for their child, can be instilled, resulting in happiness. In this time, you can focus on what the next task is and become unstoppable. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Our main concern is, are we doing enough for them? Leading us into depression, anxiety and holding ourselves to the high standards of society that we are led to believe by social media. I told no one of my situation, and certainly would not post it on social media. In fact, I found focus in not reaching out. Now I wish that I had. My story leads me to believe that love is and was the answer for us. For them and for you. We are our own best friends, yet our very own worst enemies at the times we need us the most. Going through motherhood and battling with mental health problems can be tough. Have faith, believe in yourself, and focus on the love in your household, those key values will bond you like glue, guiding you to the next part of your life. Reach out and never be ashamed. It has taken me years to share my story and I will never be ashamed of my breakdowns.
My son and I, no matter what we did not have, we knew we had each other. Our situation did not determine our revelation. We remained like glue and rode out the storm. All he needed as I, was love and faith. The result is pure unconditional love, as I promised him the day he was born.