"In Alex’s final email to me, as always he was thinking of others and he asked me to share his story as ‘it is only by standing on the shoulders of those who came before, that we learn’."
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The happiest day of my life was when I became a mum to a gorgeous son, Alex who arrived following a few years of fertility treatment during my first marriage. The worst day of my life was when a policeman arrived at my door with the devastating news that my precious son had died by suicide age 23. My heart broke and will never mend.
Shortly after, a loving email arrived from Alex telling me he loved me, that I could not have saved him as he had had a circumcision, unbeknown to any of his family or friends, some 2 years earlier aged 21 which he had been told would cure his painful symptoms of Phimosis but which had tragically left him in constant pain. Alex was a keen skier, snowboarder, cyclist, jogger and had the operation in Canada where he had moved to for a Gap Year. These are some of the comments made about Alex by his heartbroken friends: ‘Alex's smile could light up a room... super intelligent, witty, kind, handsome, hard working, funny and generous’.
I learnt that on Alex’s day off he drove a 5 hour round trip to Vancouver to deliver coats to the homeless which had been collected. On being asked what he had done on his day off, he replied ‘Nothing much’. So typical of my thoughtful, lovely son. In Alex’s final email to me, as always he was thinking of others and he asked me to share his story as ‘it is only by standing on the shoulders of those who came before, that we learn’. As Alex’s mum, I will try to honour his request of me as I was horrified to learn that he had confided in no one about his personal pain despite him and I having several holidays together during the last few years of his life. I have since learnt that many of his friends also felt that they would not have told their mum or perhaps anyone, if they too were suffering from something so personal.
As a mum of 3 boys, I regret with all my heart that I had never heard of the painful condition of Phimosis and feel such sorrow that Alex kept his suffering to himself due to its personal nature and as he wrote in his final letter to me, he felt ‘unable to talk about it due to his reserved personality’. Had I been the mum of 3 girls, I know that the subject of periods would have been an open dialogue. The personal/sexual health of boys and young men must become less of a taboo to talk about if we are to prevent such tragedies. Sadly I know that my son’s suicide, linked to his circumcision, is not a unique story. The charity 15 square is a Stoke based charity providing much needed advice and information to those men adversely affected by circumcision.
If by sharing Alex’s tragic story, I can prevent one other mum from experiencing the agony of her cherished son’s suicide, then Alex’s death won’t have been in vain. Since telling Alex’s story on BBC News, I have received many letters from men saying how it has helped them to feel less alone in their own suffering as their circumcision also caused them more problems than it solved. It is important to say that not all circumcisions cause pain and long term suffering but the risks do need to be disclosed, researched and accepted as real by those who know best. I will miss and love my darling Alex until my last breath.
Lesley.
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