**Trigger warning: contains references to suicide**
For World Suicide Prevention Day 2020 we are sharing some very brave stories from our Champions who emphasise the importance of speaking out about your mental health in order to remove the stigma around seeking help if you have suicidal thoughts.
Firstly, allow me to tell you about myself and my life, up until the point of my first suicide attempt.
I was born and raised in Sheffield and Barnsley, in South Yorkshire in the 70s and 80s and the eldest of 3 children. In 1984, my parents divorced when I was 13 years old. This had a devastating effect on my teenage years (I never had a ‘normal’ teenager life), as I was given the task of looking after my younger sister from the day my father left, a good man whom I idolised.
In the summer of 1992, I joined the NHS as a student nurse, whilst dating women and slowly realised that I was living a huge lie (I knew that I was a gay man). You must understand that living in the North in the 70s/80s and early 90s, my family would have completely disowned me, so I followed the ‘norm’ of my male friends and relatives.
In the late 90s, I met my now ex-wife, had 2 beautiful daughters, only to be followed by divorce in the summer of 2005. By this time, I was really struggling with my true identity and slowly realised that I was a great one for over-thinking every situation…
Forward to the April 4th, 2016...
My eldest daughter had left home the previous Christmas – boxing day at 9.30am to be precise – after being told quite bluntly that her dad was a gay man. I’ve had no contact with her since that day. I was also at the time of the first suicide attempt, arguing often with my parents, had serious money issues and hated my job in the NHS.
So, there I was, stood on a bridge, overlooking the river, with the full intention to jump. It was around 1am at this point.
The next thing I knew was that 4 policemen were carrying me off said bridge whilst I was a sobbing mess and bundled me into the on-call mental health crisis team vehicle. I was then taken to the local hospital, where a very nice clinical psychologist diagnosed me with clinical depression. I can’t begin to tell you how relieved I felt that I wasn’t “going daft” as my late grandmother would say.
Since then, I’ve had 2 more suicide attempts, the most recent one on the July 2nd, 2019. People who contemplate suicide never forget the date of the attempt, and not do we feel any ‘better’ when people say that it’s done for attention or a cry for help.
From a very personal perspective, each attempt has been made after convincing myself that a) I couldn’t go on living in a huge never-ending circle, and b) all I ever wanted was for someone to say ‘how are you?’. That’s all it takes – 3 simple words.
I hope you have gotten an insight into my experiences, especially from a male perspective, when World Suicide Prevention Day is upon us.
Don’t be afraid to talk, it gets better.
