**Trigger warning: contains references to suicide**
For World Suicide Prevention Day 2020 we are sharing some very brave stories from our Champions who emphasise the importance of speaking out about your mental health in order to remove the stigma around seeking help if you have suicidal thoughts.
I was in a relationship where I struggled with domestic abuse for 3 years. The relationship was ok in the beginning, however there were many warning signs that I did not notice, such as isolation from family and friends, blame and gaslighting.
This escalated when my ex-partner had a 3-year affair with a colleague in the workplace (where we all worked). I was told I was stupid, they were just friends, I was crazy, get a grip and over a period of time, this had a huge negative impact on my mental health. I was taking medication from my GP and even had a long period of sickness from work on three occasions because I felt worthless.
Some people may not believe in panic attacks or even mental health, however panic attacks are not a joke or just an ‘attention seeking’ thing. I experienced horrendous panic attacks to the point where I would have to lie on the kitchen floor and shut the door with my feet, so that my children wouldn’t walk in and see me. I genuinely thought that I was going to die and couldn’t take a breath in. This continued for a while and the feelings that came along with my self-worth went at an all-time low. I can remember thinking ‘if I wasn’t here then everything will be better. My kids will be looked after. I won’t be a constant burden on my family as they only saw me at the lowest point in my life.’ When you get told you are crazy or stupid enough times, you start to believe it. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore and was thinking about different ways to end my life.
It upsets me writing about this as I have really come a long way since 2015. I started a course in DBT as referred by a doctor, and meeting other people dealing with their own mental health issues really made me open my eyes. I met some amazing people and we all supported each other using talking therapies. I went back to my GP and he wanted me to attend each week just to have a ‘chat’ with him. I didn’t want to waste his time, but he insisted. The GP was amazing and made me realise that I wasn’t worthless, and I was experiencing domestic abuse. I never believed that I would go through anything like this but from nearly trying to end my life to where I am now, it’s a different story. I am stronger, more focused, less gullible (I suppose) and most of all, educated!
I cannot express how much people need to talk if they feel down. No one is worthless / stupid or crazy and we need to help each other. Educate yourself and NEVER be afraid to ask for help! I am a mother of 2 beautiful children, have a brilliant family around me, a good job where I have been for 14 years and a new way to look at life. Life is definitely a roller-coaster for everyone but ride it! You may even enjoy it.
Read this book – S.U.M.O (Shut Up and Move On) by Paul McGee – sounds harsh, but this book will give you a different way of thinking and was a genuine help for me.
"I cannot express how much people need to talk if they feel down. No one is worthless / stupid or crazy and we need to help each other."