This week is Men’s Health Week which runs from the 15 - 21 June and is hosted by Men’s Health Forum. The theme for this week is ‘take action on COVID-19’ and we are encouraging everyone to take action through talking, using the hashtag #TalkingIsALifeline.
The #TalkingIsALifeline campaign aims to encourage men to talk about their mental health without the fear of being judged. Talking is a Lifeline emphasises that talking about mental health might be one of the bravest things a man can do.
Well, first of all - how are you? Where and who have you been locked down with for these past few months?
I’m doing ok, thanks. I had what was probably coronavirus a couple of months ago and I’m still struggling a bit with fatigue, but getting better all the time now. I’ve been locked down in Cardiff with my very patient fiancé and our very impatient 10-month-old puppy, Ernie.
How are you finding lockdown? How have you been keeping well and getting out?
Lockdown has had its ups and downs. In many ways, the world can often feel a bit too quick for me – too many arrangements and things to do, and not enough space in the diary for a pause. In that way, lockdown has been a bit of a relief.
But, although it probably doesn’t sound like it, I’m also a sociable person, and I do miss my family and friends. I’m originally from Birmingham and I’m close to lots of people back there, so it’s been a bit daunting not knowing when I’ll see them again.
The dog has been great for keeping me busy and getting me out of the house. We’re lucky to live near a beautiful park, and especially to have a little garden of our own. We’ve been nursing a patch of wildflowers over the last couple of years, so it’s been nice keeping tabs on what’s emerging in there.
I like taking pictures and writing, too, so that’s given me a creative outlet and something to keep my mind occupied.
Have you been staying in touch with your friends and family during lockdown?
I’ve been doing a weekly quiz with mates back home, and plenty of video calls with family. The fact that everyone has to meet up online now has almost made it easier to keep in touch with people who live far away.
I’m fortunate to have some really great friends at work too, and we’ve been chatting and keeping each other going day-to-day while we’re all working from home. I do miss seeing them in the office, though.
How about your male friends specifically? Have you found it easy or hard to connect and check in with them?
A lot of my male friends are guys that I knew from school or university – I’m really fortunate to have some friends I’ve known since I was four. A lot of them have long-term girlfriends or wives who I’ve also known a long time, and we mostly get together in couples these days, but I have chatted with a few of the guys one-to-one during lockdown. I’m also close to my older brother, and we’ve been chatting on the phone every few days.
I’m normally pretty terrible at responding to messages, which obviously doesn’t help when it comes to keeping in touch with the guys (or anyone else, actually). So, I’ve been trying to make more of an effort during lockdown.
So, you recently shared your story about living with OCD. Can you tell our listeners a little bit more about that experience of sharing your story and why it was important for you to talk about your mental health?
For me, the scariest thing about growing up with OCD was that I had no idea about OCD. I assumed I was the only person in the world whose brain worked that way.
That feeling of loneliness compounded the sense of shame and self-disgust that accompanies OCD. I think this is why many of us go to such great lengths to hide it, and why we tend to be so scared of asking for help.
That was one of the reasons I wanted to share my story. The more awareness and understanding there is of the reality of OCD, the less likely it will be that someone like me will grow up without knowing what’s happening to them. And the more likely it is they’ll be able to get the right help when they need it most.
One of the big issues facing people with OCD is the way the name has been adopted into everyday language to mean ‘particular’ or ‘fussy’. It does inevitably make it harder to talk when you know you’re going to have to bridge the gap between perception and reality. But, equally, you can’t really blame people for not understanding something that’s never been explained to them. I think the only way to really address it is by talking and sharing experiences.
On a personal level, it’s also just a huge relief to have it out there. I’m lucky to have a small but incredibly understanding support network, but not even my Mum knew the full extent of it. The whole process of hiding it and making excuses is flat-out exhausting at times, so it’s just hugely liberating to have it out in the open.
What’s the reaction been to sharing your story online?
The kindness and support that has come my way has been overwhelming at times, but in a good way.
It sparked some conversations with close family and friends that I wish I’d had a long time ago. I’ve had a few people get in touch to tell me they’ve been through something similar, and that sharing my story has helped them feel less alone.
It seems to have resonated with people I’d never have expected - I’ve heard from old school and university friends, and colleagues both from my current job and previous places, and we’ve had some really helpful and meaningful conversations.
I’ve heard from a handful of people who know young people going through something similar right now. It means the whole world to me to know that it might help somebody in that position, and for them to know that it’s possible for them to get to a better place with their OCD.
I’ve certainly had a few ‘oh god, what have I done?’ moments. But, in the main, it’s been a liberating and rewarding experience. It’s just such a relief to be honest.
We as Time to Change Wales recently ran a stigma survey during lockdown and have found that self-stigma is a real issue which is blocking people for reaching out for help. What advice would you have to someone who wants to speak about their mental health but doesn’t really know where to start?
My advice would be to start small. Talk to people you trust and build your confidence. I know it’s absolutely terrifying - I never thought it would be possible to talk about it out in the open, and it took me days to work up the courage to click the ‘publish’ button. But people will surprise you – it’s quite a disarming thing to have somebody bear their soul to you in that way. Most people, I think, will respond with kindness.
I find it easier to write than to talk out loud. That way, I can make sure my words come out in the right order, and that I don’t forget to say anything I really want to. My OCD has been a bit calmer over the last few months, and I think that’s the only way I’d have been able to talk about it. So, don’t be afraid to speak about it when you’re feeling relatively well – you don’t have to wait until it’s urgent.
Whatever you do, do it in a way that makes you feel comfortable. There is absolutely no right or wrong way to talk about it. And remember that if somebody judges you negatively for talking about your mental health, it doesn’t make them right.
And finally, a big theme of lockdown has been ‘kindness’ - to ourselves and to each other. How are you being kind to yourself during this time?
I’ve tried to cut myself a bit of slack. I tend to put pressure on myself to get things right, both at work and in home life. Reading around, I think that’s quite a common thing with OCD.
So, although I’m trying to get better at replying to messages, for example, I’m trying not to beat myself up too much if I mess up. I also probably drink too much coffee, but this is a weird time, and those little pleasures give us something to look forward to and a few moments of relief.
