I was skinny ever since I was a young child. I grew to the height of 6’2 and my weight never caught up. My self-confidence never really grew either. It never constituted an actual physical health issue but as soon as I started getting in to my teens it became a huge influence on my mental health. I was and still am (proudly now though) a classic nerd. I love video games and all things fantasy and sci-fi; but I used to hate that I was such a stereotype, a ‘skinny little nerd’. I still had great friends and played sport and went out, but it was a feeling that never really left me. Women have to deal with body image a lot more than men and always have. But I can only attest to men starting to catch up in this most unhealthy of societal habits. And there was always an irony to the perfect image of what a man should be also coinciding with the superhero films that I love to watch so much. I felt unmasculine, if that’s a word?
I never had the jawline to pull off the look of the classic slick skinny man, and the gym terrified me. So I stayed as I was, ashamed of my body. Seeing pictures of myself was always my kryptonite. I used to forget how I looked in a T-Shirt until I saw myself in a picture and so I avoided being in them whenever I could.
"There was always an irony to the perfect image of what a man should be also coinciding with the superhero films that I love to watch so much. I felt unmasculine."
That was in my second year at university. It was in my final year of university that I made the change I had always wished I had the dedication to do. I stopped drinking alcohol, completely. I got 9 hours of sleep a night, without fail. I went to the gym 5 times a week. I spent my free time watching YouTube tutorials, and reading articles on fitness. And the hardest part of all, I ate 4000 calories a day.
And to my surprise more than anyone’s it actually worked. Over the course of 4 moths I put on around 5 stone and I got bigger and stronger and it had a huge impact of my self-esteem. It was a big sacrifice to make to achieve it but for me it was 100% worth it. Not only did this have an effect on my body confidence but also in my belief in myself that I truly can commit to something that requires hard work and sacrifice and pulling though it successfully. Now I have more confidence in everything that I do.
"Now going to the gym is an important part of my self-care routine and always puts me in a better frame of mind...I started going for my physical health, and I stayed for my mental health."
And I think that there are two ways to go about tackling body issues. If you are able to, then you need to accept yourself. You will always be your own worst critic and no one notices anywhere near the amount of flaws that you do. Or if you’re like me and you just can’t quite manage that, then maybe its worth all the effort required to make a change. I never thought it was possible and can’t really overstate how I was sure I could never do it. But I did. It requires sacrifice, and you need to decide whether the sacrifice is worth it, but if it is, then that’s all the motivation you need. Let it carry you through your lowest days and make it so it’s not a decision whether to go out for that run or not, just do it (not sponsored by Nike).
And for me now going to the gym is an important part of my self-care routine and always puts me in a better frame of mind. I actually enjoy it (I know is really annoying when people say that but its true). I would really encourage everyone out there to try making the gym part of their routine. I know it can be an intimidating environment to walk in to, but trust me it’s a community, and EVERYONE in there started out feeling exactly the same way you do. And you don’t have to go crazy, just a couple of times a week to start off with and make a note of how you feel before walking in and when you walk out. And you never know that might be all the motivation you need. I started going for my physical health, and I stayed for my mental health.
