Most people have an internal monolog or voice, it’s part of our everyday lives. I can say that my ‘internal shadow’ as I call it, has been abusive to me for a long time. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been quick to put myself down and blame myself for anything that goes wrong. I never questioned it, I just accepted that everything was ultimately my fault.
My time at as a Champion with Time to Change Wales has helped me see the stigma that I was aiming at myself. I also saw how it was something a lot of people experienced but rarely talked about. I started to look at what my inner shadow was saying and questioned it. I’ve found this very hard. I have found ways to question my thoughts as the shadow was telling me, such as when the shadow told me that I was only offered my current job because people felt sorry for me. I can give evidence to myself to contradict it, believing the evidence is another issue. Sometimes, the shadow argues back at me. The internal voice can be so loud at times that I struggle to ignore it, it only takes a bad experience for it to sneak in again.
I’ve always kept the level of dislike I have for myself quite hidden. The shadow will tell me if I talk about my mental health then I am being a burden to anyone who I tell. I’ve found this especially hard with my fiancé and my mum. I worry about making them sad. Shadow says, “You’re going to make them sad for no reason” or “don’t bother them, you don’t really have any problems, stop being weak”. I find it very hard to verbalise my thoughts, I hate the idea of causing anyone to feel sad.
In March 2020, the contract for a job I loved came to an end at the same time COVID hit and we went into lockdown. Jobs I had applied for were put on hold, this meant I had free time and felt relief. The shadow told me I needed to be applying for work, but work wasn’t there so I couldn’t. As I was shielding, I couldn’t go out like the shadow would tell me to do.
My fiancé made a big difference by doing something others might see as relatively small. We started having a coffee outside in the morning so we could chat, and I could talk about anything the shadow was telling me. He would help me see the lies it told and see some of the good things I’ve managed to do. Each time I say something negative about myself, he gives me counter arguments. I spent all day, nearly every day for the next few months gardening and enjoying my garden, which has always made a positive impact on my mental health. I felt better than I had in a long time and felt I could talk about the negative thoughts I had/have.
As places started to re-open, the shadow started to get loud again, but this time I spoke to my fiancé. When I saw a job that I knew I would like, the shadow tried to talk me out of applying, but my fiancé helped me see that the shadow was lying.
With his help, I applied for, and was offered the job I desired.
